Leaving
A stay that ends early is a decision rather than a failure
Three months in, with the excitement gone and none of the compensations yet arrived, people face a genuine question about whether to persist, and the answer is not always to persist.
By Arjun Nair3 min read
The low point is real and it is also predictable
There is a stretch, usually somewhere between the second and the fifth month, where a long stay is at its worst. The novelty has stopped supplying energy, the practical difficulties are still constant, no friendships have matured, and the language is at the stage where it costs a great deal and delivers little.
Most people who eventually love a place have passed through exactly this, which is the strongest argument for not making a decision inside it. The curve turns for a large majority of people who wait, and it turns without any obvious cause.
So the first thing to establish is whether you are looking at a phase or at a conclusion. That is genuinely hard from the inside, and it is the whole difficulty of the question.
Some things do not improve with time
It would be dishonest to suggest that everybody should simply hold on. There are circumstances that don’t resolve: a job that is wrong, a household situation that has changed, a health problem better dealt with at home, an obligation to somebody who needs you, a place that is genuinely unsafe or unwelcoming to you specifically.
A useful distinction is between difficulties that are about being new and difficulties that are about the situation. Not having friends yet is about being new. A manager who is making you unwell is not, and will still be there in eighteen months.
Ask what would have to change for this to be all right, and then ask whether that change is one that time produces. Time produces language, friendships, competence and familiarity. It does not produce a different job or a different climate.
The announcement problem
A significant part of what keeps people somewhere is that they told everybody they were going. Leaving early means explaining, repeatedly, to people who made a fuss at the farewell party, and the anticipated embarrassment does a great deal of work.
It is worth being clear-eyed that this is not a good reason to stay somewhere for years. Almost nobody is keeping score, most people are mildly interested and then return to their own concerns, and the ones who matter will not think less of you.
The related trap is sunk cost. The money spent, the effort of the paperwork and the disruption already caused are gone regardless of what you do next, and they are not an argument for spending more. That is easy to say and genuinely difficult to feel.
Test it before you conclude it
A few things are worth trying before deciding, partly because they are cheap and partly because they distinguish a phase from a conclusion. Change one substantial variable: the flat, the district, the routine, the amount of contact with home, whether you are speaking any of the language socially.
Set a date rather than deciding today, because deciding in a bad week is unreliable in both directions. A commitment to reassess in six or eight weeks converts an urgent misery into a defined period, and quite often the period ends with the question having answered itself.
And say it out loud to somebody. People carry this privately for months, and the act of describing it usually clarifies whether it is a temporary state or a settled judgement, in a way that thinking about it alone does not.
Leaving early has its own practical shape
If the answer is to go, then the tasks are the ordinary departure tasks compressed, and the notice periods, deposits and obligations do not shrink to fit the shorter stay. It is worth checking what ending a lease or a contract early costs before fixing a date, and what any status or arrangement requires you to notify.
Where a permission to reside is involved, leaving before an expected period may have consequences worth understanding in advance, and those are country-specific and change. Check the official guidance and take qualified advice on your own position rather than assuming that leaving early is administratively neutral.
The last thing worth saying is that a short stay is not a wasted one. People who left after six months routinely describe having learned something specific about what they want, which is information that could not have been obtained any other way and which they carry into whatever they do next.
Common questions
How long should I give a place before deciding?
Most people find the low point falls somewhere in the first few months and passes, so deciding inside it is unreliable. Setting a date six or eight weeks ahead to reassess is more useful than either deciding now or waiting indefinitely.
How do I tell a bad phase from a bad situation?
Ask what would have to change, and whether time alone produces that change. Time produces language, friendships and competence; it does not produce a different job, a different climate or a different household.
Is it embarrassing to come back early?
It feels that way and it matters much less than anticipated, since almost nobody is keeping score and the people who count will not think less of you. Staying somewhere for years to avoid a few awkward conversations is a poor trade.
Consumer editor, Globetrotter Talks
Arjun writes the explanatory pieces on arriving, visas & paperwork, money abroad and is unreasonably interested in the detail nobody else checks.
